In The Kitchen With December: Episode 1

I’m not the best cook by any means. But I do cook food. And I probably cook food better than you do. Maybe. Unless you went to culinary school or whatever.

Here’s something I make pretty much on the daily. If you don’t like the sound of it, well, you may have the culinary taste of a lampost. Being honest. If it does sound appealing, try it out!

The Bomb AF Breakfast

We all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

If you didn’t know that, you probably grew up without decent parents. Or in Arkansas. Or both. Whatever the case, here’s the breakfast I make when I’m starving.

Stuff you’ll need:

• Eggs
• Hashbrowns 
• Butter
• Olive oil
• Cheese (I usually use sharp cheddar or white cheddar)
• Seasoning – pepper, salt, oregano, garlic powder, crushed red pepper
• A skillet
• A spatula
• Ketchup (optional)
• Hot sauce (optional)
• A moderate amount of hand-eye coordination (non-optional)

Stage 1: Hashbrowns

Disclaimer: I’m talking about American hashbrowns. Not the British potato-cake things that McDonald’s successfully re-marketed over here in the States.

These…

Not these.

Moving on.

Start your hashbrowns first; they’ll need the longest cook time. Medium heat skillet, butter, olive oil. Wait til the pan starts to smoke a little, then add your browns. 

Let the hashbrowns cook for a good bit before you move them. You want them browned on the bottom before you flip and start mixing them. Once you do that, add the seasoning as you begin to mix them up a little bit. Lots of pepper and a little bit of everything else listed above. You want them tasting like something awesome…not just po-ta-toes.

About a minute before the hasbrowns are done and cooked completely (browned fairly well, semi-crunchy, sexy from any angle), add your cheese. Now, you “non-dairy” people are gonna have to skip this step. Whether by choice or out of necessity, you’re missing pretty much the best part of this whole operation. We’re gonna take a moment of silence to mourn that loss.

…

…

…

Make sure they cheese is shredded. Don’t use cheese slices or EVERYONE will know you’re a redneck. I usually use white cheddar or sharp cheddar. (totally already said that) You really could use anything though, whatever tickles your fancy. Or whatever mom has in the fridge.

After the cheese has melted in that last minute of cooking, slide the hashbrowns off onto a plate to rest. Let them sit there and watch what happens next. 

Stage 2: Eggs

Here’s where it gets fun. So you COULD do this one of two ways. You could…

A. Make scrambled eggs

• Crack eggs in a bowl
• Whisk together with a little whole milk or cream
• Finely chopped chives and/or scallions
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Pour into skillet with butter
• Cook on medium heat (NO HIGHER), moving continuously with a spatula

Or B. Make fried eggs

(this is what I go with 110% of the time)

• Add butter to skillet, set heat to medium-high until butter is kinda foamy
• Crack eggs directly in skillet, one at a time
• TURN THE HEAT DOWN IMMEDIATELY (this means low)
• Make sure to keep egg whites as separate as possible without completely destroying everything in front of you
• Let eggs cook until the white is completely firm and the yolk is SLIGHTLY thick
• Flip and cook for 15-20 more seconds
• Slide eggs onto the awaiting hashbrowns
• Try not to drool all over your feet

Stage 3: The Condiments

I’m not going to judge you if you eat this dish plain. I’m really not. That would be a valid choice. However. If you’re wanting to be adventurous, you need to add either ketchup or hot sauce.

Ketchup is my go-to. Is tangy. It’s comforting. It’s like coming home and playing with Woody. “There’s a snake in my boot” an all that. It’s great.

Hot sauce is a different story. Adding Tabasco or Sriracha to this dish is like taking Buzz Lightyear outside and throwing him around the yard. Astronauts have a ton of fun. Ask them.

Now Go Take A Nap

For real. Go find a couch or something. 

Thanks for reading! Remember kids – don’t cook naked. Episode 2 is coming next week.