OPINION: Halloween costumes, ranked

I love lists. I love rankings. I love feeling the power of casting judgment on people wearing costumes while I turn off my lights and ignore all the little chubby children trying to steal my candy.

Of course, there’s a lot more costume options when you become old enough to make decisions for yourself, but decisions can still be hard!

Fear not. I will put my powers of judgement and my love of not actually doing anything festive myself to give you, the readers, ideas so I can live vicariously through you.

On to the list.

1. Mario/Luigi/Wario/Waluigi
   1. You just can’t go wrong with one of those four. Two are the good guys, but if you go as the bad guys, you can have fun with really weird laughs. What’s better than that?
2. Anything “sexy”
   1. Now, I’m not talking “sexy nurse” or “sexy teacher.” I’m talking original. I’d be a sexy cactus if I had a single festive bone in my body, but I don’t. Some ideas include sexy caterpillar, sexy beluga whale, or sexy Mario.
3. Ghost
   1. Don’t put a sheet over your head. Literally do nothing. Don’t show up. Then when you talk to your single friend on Monday and he or she asks why you weren’t at that party, say you were. “I was a ghost! You just couldn’t see me.”
4. Anything from any Disney or Pixar movie ever
   1. Be Nemo. Be Woody. Heck, be onlooker No. 3 from Act 4 Scene 5 of Beauty and The Beast on Ice. People love Disney and Pixar and you should too.
5. Zombie-version of anything ever
   1. What is better than taking anything and making a zombie out of it? NOTHING. Well, except for numbers 1-4 on this list. UNLESS you go as sexy zombie beluga whale. Oh man, you’d get so much candy/alcohol/friends.

Now, what should you not ever, ever be?

1. A criminal
2. A murderer
3. A deadbeat father
4. An outhouse
5. A loser

So, now that I’ve given you some ideas of what makes a good costume and what doesn’t, go out and make me proud. Just please don’t come to my door. I’ll be sitting in the dark eating Reese’s and smothering nougat all over myself.

I have no self-control.

Happy Halloween!